Thoughts and Memories

So... a little over a week ago I had major surgery to repair/replace my collapsed hip. For the week or so prior to and ever since the surgery I have been experiencing bouts of depression. 

Those bout I had before the surgery I chalked up to fear of surgery and the bills it will be laying at my door step. I believe I have come to terms with these fears. I have decided that I don't want to spend the rest of my life in a chair if there is something I can do about it, even if I will be paying the bill for the rest of my life.

The bouts I have been having since surgery seem to be triggered by a number of different things and before I continue I will say this. I did quit smoking a few days before the surgery and have been trying to stay quit since so I have been tobacco free (more or less) for over two weeks now. Anyway, back to my train of thought here. The bouts since having surgery seem to be brought on by a number of things.

Initially, I have spent time being angry that my body has betrayed me so in such a short time. Up until now I have been fairly healthy and able to do the things I enjoy doing, all active and done outside and on foot. To suddenly have my body ground me as it has is a bitter pill. It is getting better but I still wonder if I will be back to where I was before the collapse. 

Next came the wondering and questioning of things are are. Is my life really as it appears or are there undercurrents that I either can't see or don't want to see. I have felt very isolated and deserted since the surgery. It feels like I have had to deal with it all alone while everyone who has called themselves friend and family go their merry way with hardly a thought spent on how I am doing. I do realize how selfish and self-centered this sounds on my part and that just proves to exacerbate the depression brought on by this crazy phenomenom.

Now in the past few days, I have spent time thinking about old friends and lives that are long gone. Not sure why but it what I do know is that it makes me feel like an old lady sitting around waiting to die. Not really where I want to be. Hopefully this is just a phase I need to work through.

The solution to all of this is simple and complicated at the same time. I have done it before but that was years ago when I was younger and a bit stronger all the way around. I am thinking I need to start over... again. Not just thinking, I know this is what needs to be done. I need to take a good hard look at my life and decide who and what will stay and who and what will go. I do have a pretty good idea of who and what needs to go and almost all are already gone. 

All that I plan to keep I still have but getting up and going on starting over is not as easy as it may sound. Some of the things I have not been able to keep have left some deep and painful holes in my life. I don't know if filling those holes is even an option. I think it is best to know the holes are there, know that I love those who used to live where the holes are and go on with life. 

Others will come and others will go. Sadly it seems like the more often this happens the easier it is to deal with. my goal is to be level and have things under control before the first snow. The first snow has always been a point of change for me but that is best left for another posting.